Te Amo

Abuelita ....
How do you even start a good bye or even say good bye to someone you wasn't ready to say good bye to ? It doesn't make sense you didn't come out the hospital this time. Last time I saw your face was when I showed you on FaceTime Romeo and Reys new bedroom. You gave us such a big scare the day the doctor said you had 20% to come out alive from your operation and we all rushed to the hospital to wait for you to come out and you did you was fine because that's just how you was scare us and be just fine after, the strongest woman I know. Alita you don't understand or maybe you do because now you can see all of us and you probably can hear all my thoughts and see all of us mourning because you was literally the foundation of everything we know, you was the one who kept us all together it's what you loved, you loved to see us all together, arguing or fighting wasn't an option we had to be together, it made you happy, you accepted us with all our flaws, loved us unconditionally regardless of how crazy we are or how loud we got, or even those rude jokes uncles make you loved us for us you cherished every moment. We all know you missed the lifestyle you use to have when you'll be back and forth from New York to London, I use to just think grandma is living life boy she's just a lucky lady, and you was you was lucky to have such loving children, that showed you how much they loved you and will always love you, grandkids who love you and even great grandkids who adore you, still very little to understand that you've gone but at least we can tell them about you, just today Romeo saw your photo on my phone and said aaaa alita, I kiss her and gave your picture a kiss. Alita we was so lucky to have you and have you so present in our lives I remember in my pregnancies you'll make me empanadas every time I came round just because one time I had that as a craving, I wanted grandmas empanadas, so you made them every time you knew I was coming I'm so glad Romeo and Rey met you because you're the real definition of a queen, you raised queens and kings all by yourself who I get to call mum, aunties and uncles, it's because of you why we are who we are. God took you a bit too soon because I wasn't ready I don't understand life without you it doesn't make sense, how do I walk around knowing I can never see your face? or annoy you by telling you I'm having like 5 kids you screwing up your face about it and telling me I'm silly "esas bobadas" you're always going to be such a big part of our lives that's missing, family parties ain't going to be the same without you there's always going to be something missing. I'm glad I took the photos of you that day on your birthday you didn't want us to sing happy birthday, didn't want to blow out your candles or us to take photos but I did we said we was taking pictures of the boys but you was in them, to think that was your last birthday and I least I got you the cake because now we can't sing you happy birthday anymore or buy you a cake or take you flowers, you loved flowers and you had so many all the time. I always thought that you'll be there for all my baby showers, to meet all my babies but I guess now you'll just meet them but from heaven while you watch over us. I was looking forward to cook for you, for you to see my new place all finished and pretty and you being so proud of me, now I just have to make you extra proud because I know you're watching my every move, I know I'll make you proud and you're going to be like wow Margie never knew you could do that. I asked you last night that when I look up one night that you'll be the brightest star shining and you was I looked up and you was there I stood for ages trying to figure out if it was a plane or a star because it was the only one, the sky was dark blue but you was there and i felt nothing but happiness, thank you for listening to me even if it was in English that I keep talking to you in but I figured you're in heaven now so you can understand me. Or maybe not but I hope so. I hope that you're happy and even though we miss you so much already we know you're resting and I hope you're at peace you deserve everything great in your after life because you was the best ever, you don't feel no pain anymore, I hope you've met the people I know you should meet up in heaven please tell them I love them and please take care of them like I know you would, I hope I see you sometimes in my dreams and I can't wait to see you again some day but until then abuelita keep us safe and I will make you proud, I will never forget you and what you've taught me. Te amo alita y descanse en paz con los angelitos. There's loads I want to say but I'll keep talking to you as I've been doing this won't be the end .....

Take Care

And slowly as we heal we become less angry or upset about a situation but more understanding of what it's taught us. Mine was my self worth and how much I truly deserved. How much I had given and gotten so little back. How much I cherished the good memories trying to block out the bad, but see the bad out weighed the good so the bad was easily remembered where as, the good was only remembered through pictures, but some photos somehow reminded me of the bad, also reminded me of the sadness, so what was left was just some good memories and allot of bad. How some people can have everything they want and need but still go out trying to look for more to simply finding out too late that they had everything and had more to lose than they thought.

Life puts people in your life for a reason, good and bad, but some really do teach you lessons the hard way. How you can be so high, so happy and can easily be bought down back to where you were before that High or even lower. How can someone be your happiness and be the person who puts you through hell. Crazy how you jump into things not realising what may happen. Crazy how we claim that we don't trust anything but some how take the risk that you may get hurt one more time, but trust that it may just be different.

With the good comes bad, no ones perfect but when the bad out weighs the good Is it worth it?

Beautiful how life teaches you the most through pain. You go through all the pain of giving birth to then realise holding your children in your arms how much you can actually love someone how all that pain was worth it because, you got something out of it, your beautiful baby, that you anxiously wait for so long and love so much to find out how much you actually love them once you meet them, how that pain was nothing and you'll do it all over again because the outcome was amazing. The type of love can't be described and only felt.

Going through all that heartbreak to realising you haven't been taking care of you and your soul trying to love someone else, but how can you love someone properly without taking care of yourself? Pouring your heart out to a person who doesn't see your worth, but how can they when you don't even know your self worth, but that's when it comes to you to remember how amazing you are, to love all your flaws, to love everything about you and to remember that the love you give you deserve that and more.

Take care of you & your soul 

Margie-Alexandra

Untitled

Ever wondered how other people see you? Ever caught someone staring at you and wondered what's gone through their mind? One thing I learnt a while back, never let someone tell you you ain't good enough or pretty enough or say things like "you think you're too nice" the last time someone said this I had to let them know I am nice. I am nice in every sense of the word. Every one is not pretty or good looking to every one but to some you're so beautiful and to yourself you should think you're beautiful on the outside and especially inside.

I personally have always been my biggest critic but I've always made it a thing to try to embrace it or never let anyone make me feel like they can use my appearance against me. How can someone use your appearance against you when you've embraced it? How can it hurt you when you're good with YOUR appearance? It can't and that means people don't have the power to hurt your feelings with it.

Think about it this way the person trying to make you feel bad about your appearance already has their own issues with theirs, honestly they do most of the time people that make people feel bad about what they look like by pointing out what may be your insecurities have so much insecurities of their own. I know people who have insecurity issues, who will hate someone to point them out but then you have someone who looks at the person and just thinks if only you knew how beautiful they actually are.

Some people are very good looking on the outside but just don't know how to act. Some people are so insecure they act so confident but you see right through their act. Life is crazy and with time, as I get older I have to get to know someone before I can say much actions speak louder than what you look like. How you're with people makes you a beautiful person. In this time and age people are so caught up with looking good that they forget to make sure they're good people.

I remember talking to one of my cousins telling him some of my situations and things I had gone through and he literally looked at me surprised and said I would of never thought you was going through anything. I laugh and smile a lot around people I always find happiness in the smallest things, if you know me you know that I laugh at pretty much anything but I'm also a cry baby. I cry at romantic films, I can cry over a movie time and time again. Ever watched a walk to remember? Lol yeah I cry at that movie each time I watch it, but see I wouldn't change it. I won't change the fact that I am soft with some things why change the things I think are good to fit the world I'm in? I work hard on the things I think are bad about me on the inside. As much as I love putting on make up I love taking it off and not wearing any for a couple of days. I feel comfortable with no make up and I mean comfortable as in I don't need make up to feel pretty.

Work on yourself and stop focusing on other people. Why appear pretty when you ain't a pretty person?
A person will fall in love with your actions not how pretty or good looking you are. People with lust over your appearance and fall in love with how you're as a person and how you are with them. Work on how you are as much as you do making yourself look good on the outside.

Decisions

In life things happen, you have to make choices that you never thought you'll be strong enough to make. I've never been scared to disappoint any one by making decisions that make me happy, but having children changed that, I don't want to disappoint them by making decisions that may affect them or make them feel like I've disappointed them, for a while that was the case then I made the decision that could affect the three of us but I knew that eventually we'll be ok, that time healed everything and they'll one day understand why I made the decision, not because I didn't care but because I felt like I deserved more than what I was getting.

If you've read my previous posts you'll know that I've spoken about losing myself back in 2013 but instead of finding me I continued to be lost. Slowly trying to get me back or even be a way better me than I was before has been a lot harder than I thought. In 2013 I could say I was happy very happy with how life was going then the situation happened and that's it I lost myself. Throughout the three years I kept losing more of me until recently i felt like no, this is not ok I have to be happy again. People come into your life and teach you things even the hard way. Three years have gone by and it taught me how much I haven't taken care of my heart and my soul, how my heart still hurts, if I think about the situation too long and can't help but to let my tears flow down my cheeks without feeling embarrassed, with some situation things don't heal you just get stronger and learn to be ok with it. I know can never look back at the situation and smile it'll always just be a sad story.

Ever found yourself laughing but you truly ain't happy? Ever found yourself laughing at jokes but as soon as the joke is over you're back to feeling like something's missing? Ever found yourself feeling lonely even when you are right next to someone?

While I was losing myself, my happiness, I also clearly forgot my self worth, dealing with things I would of never put up with in the past, then it clicked and I was like wait, I'm a great woman I deserve the world and more. I deserve to be loved correctly not mistreated. Ever found yourself thinking I can never treat the person I love the way some people treat the person they claim to love. How do you deliberately hurt someone you love? It doesn't make sense to me.

Life is full of choices good and bad ones, whichever you choose that's the choice you have to live with. Whether you make the wrong choice it's up to you to learn from it or to do it again but that's all just up to you, some people learn and other don't. Some mistakes make us grow and some good choices sometimes are the hardest to make. Think the hardest part about making the right choice and decision is having to let go of a vision you had for so long because by making that decision you're having to let go of so many things you had wanted for the future, it all just comes crashing down and the hardest part is letting go of something you held on for so long because it may just never happen. That you just have to let it be what it meant to be.

I have to thank my children for giving me hope, happiness and so much love. I literally can't imagine my life without them. Crazy how two little boys have made such a difference and have given me the strength to be better, love harder and to live life with a purpose.

The storm doesn't last forever and the things that hurt today will eventually not hurt anymore, accepting the journey, accepting and dealing with today's issues and situations but being excited for the future.

Margie-Alexandra

Daddy Issues?

I was raised by step father,who I call my dad and of course my mum. He is not blood but help raise me from when I was 5 years old. Of course I knew from a young age that he wasn't my biological father, yet I never thought too much into it either way, as far as I remember, "real dad" wasn't my concern because I never knew who he was nor did I remember even seeing him in my life.
As I got older, I would wonder, why didn't my "real dad" care to know me? Why didn't he want to have a relationship with me? Yes it'll make me sad but I always just a brushed it off, I would think about it for a bit, have a cry and that was it. I wouldn't think about it for a while and then the same questions would come up again if I took the time to think about it.

Age 12, when I went back to Colombia, if you're Latin American you'll likely have your biological fathers surname with your mothers surname attached. I'm not just Margie Alexandra Peralta but my name is Margie Alexandra Lopez Peralta, biological fathers surname coming first. So when I went Colombia I was forced to meet him because I needed him to sign papers in order for me to leave the country and come back to London, it was the scariest thing of my life. I wasn't ready. Mum said "be nice he needs to sign the papers so we can go back to London." The day came when it was time to meet him, I remember it being night time and him coming with my half brother and his wife. Did he get the warm welcome? No, he was a stranger to me, as far as I knew he was just my "real dad" did I feel love there? No. In my mind was I ready to meet a man who is suppose to be my dad? No, in my mind I already had a dad who loved me and adored me like I was his own, and there I was standing in front of man who I was told was my dad.

I was young and didn't care to know him or even give him a chance. He made effort but when I think back was the effort genuine or did he have ulterior motives. I remember he took me to get a outfit, we ate and whilst we was eating his wife asked me, do you love him, my "real dad" I said no, she asked but you love him because he's your dad I said no I don't I love my dad. (step dad)  Was it harsh maybe but It was the truth, how can you love someone you don't know and who's never been apart of your life? How can you love a person who never cared to show you any love or any concern for your existence.

As days went by my mum asked him to sign the papers so that I could leave the country. He said and I will remember this to the day I die obviously translated from Spanish to English. "I don't love her, she can stay in the Colombia and be forced to live like a poor person" at the time I clearly didn't care. Mum took him off child support and he signed the papers giving mum full custody of me, therefore, I wouldn't ever have to ask him for permission to ever leave Colombia again if I ever went back, which I have a couple of times last time being 2012.

Years went by and I remember being drunk 2/3 years ago, crying saying that I didn't understand why my "real dad" didn't love me, that I had never did anything wrong to him and how could he not want me but want his other child. To find out he had left his child for a couple of years as I was told, I don't know if it's true but that's what I was told. Learning this just made me realise that it was just him, he was clearly never fit to be a father.
Even if it wasn't true I healed from all that and I thought writing about it may bring me to tears but no. Time heals everything and I learnt that even though my "real dad" didn't love me or may of said it out of anger I didn't care. I have a dad that regardless of where ever he may be I'll continue to call him my dad, some people are not privilege to even have a father figure present. I realised this all just after I had Reyan when he found me through Facebook.

At 12 years of age I wasn't ready to meet him and maybe if I had met him when I was ready things would of been different to how I feel now because I don't care to hear what he has to say I don't care to make conversation and I don't care for him to be apart of my life, maybe those words "I don't love her" scarred me but everything happened the way it was meant to happen and I'm ok with it. I'm happy to know that thinking about it don't make me sad, I feel no way because I have a dad and will always have one, not blood related, but unconditional love.

Moral to the story is no matter how hurt you may be and how long the healing process may take just be patient with the process and with yourself because before you know it you have healed. My healing took almost a decade counting from when I was 12 years old when I was faced with dealing with the fact I did actually have a "real dad" I've completely healed from that situation.

Take care
Margie-Alexandra 

A Few Words Go A Long Way

Before I start what I'm going to write I will be naming the person in my story V. 

In one of my blog posts I mentioned that there was a point in my life where I had basically hit rock bottom, well following that came when someone close to me had hit rock bottom yet I didn't know until it got serious. I remember how I found out, like it was just yesterday that someone so close to me was doing things to hurt themselves, doing things that could possibly end their lives. 

I don't think the person ever knew how I felt because I wasn't really much of a person to show it or even talk about it, I would just be sad about it and I just didn't understand why. 

I've always been one to say that if you want to cry, cry or if you want to talk to me and just let it out talk to me because even though I may not know what to say at least you spoke on it instead of bottling things inside you thinking that no one cares. There's always someone who is willing to listen.

I remember V saying, "what do we leave behind when we are gone, nothing. Nobody cares everyone just carries on living and forgets about you" honestly I don't feel like V knew how much they meant to me and how I would never forget and of course I would care, it'll be like a piece of me gone, never coming back, always thinking I could of done something to have prevented it, even by just telling them how much I do care and how much they mean to me. 

It's pretty easy for me to write something that comes from the heart but it's a lot harder for me to say it out loud because I don't know how they'll react but same way I wouldn't say it's hard to express and tell my children I love them and how much they mean to me. 

I remember one day someone telling me that V had taken a photo and in that photo there was a shadow on top, there's was something weird in the photo just I never let it be what it was. The photo was showing a spirit on top of her, this spirit had committed suicide and wanted to take V. I remember breaking down in tears and saying "but I don't want V to die" and literally crying my eyes out. 

Yes I do believe in spirits, ghosts etc I do believe some spirits pray on weak people. Ones are good and others are bad, yes I believe in ghost and spirits. Would I say I've seen stuff yes, would I say I've heard them, yes. You can think I'm crazy but it's what I've seen and felt. Same way I think they're not scared to be heard or seen by me or even me not reacting or being scared ain't no fun for them so they just leave. 

As time went on I still couldn't understand and still till this day understand how someone would want to take their own life, I've been in a very sad state of mind but never to hurt myself, have I ever asked God to just take me cos I was tired back when i had hit rock bottom? Yes but never hurt myself I do believe when it's my time to leave this earth it'll be when it's meant to be. Difference from then to now is I can't understand someone else's state of mind unless I've been through it or was in that mind frame, we went through similar sadness just certain people deal with things differently. 

Now it's safe to say that V overcame her sadness and is happy V was patient with the hurting process and was so strong. 

So remember don't ever be ashamed to be sad never be scared to tell someone close to you that you're feeling sad or even be ashamed to cry. It's ok not to be ok and it's ok to cry and if you don't have someone to talk to there's always helplines, people willing to listen. 

Don't forget to tell someone how much they mean to you, I promise you it'll mean so much to them and will brighten up there day even in the darkest times.

Take care 

Margie-Alexandra 

Development

If you've been following me on Instagram for a long time you'll know that I was born in Colombia, Pereira. For the past couple of months I've been dying to go, I haven't been since 2012, pretty long time if you ask me. The media have done a good job at shining Colombia in a really bad light, just showing all the violence and the drugs, even just now bringing out "Narcos" on Netflix, yes it's history but not the only Colombian history or even what Colombia is all about, making coffee, oh you didn't know? Also named the HAPPIEST country in the world.

I first came to London when I was 5 years old and didn't go back until I was 11/12 my experience going back was lovely, so lovely that I didn't even want to come back. As time went on and got older I loved going there but also loved the part of leaving and being in London. Weird huh? Ok so Colombia is a very happy, ful of joy and has beautiful weather, it's a completely different vibe to London, COMPLETELY! London is pretty much a routine and weather ain't always nice but the money is good compared to Colombia. Unless you have a great job that pays really well you can't exactly say I'm going to plan a trip to go to another country and just travel the world, everything living is for living and being able to be good with what you have. Going back always makes me appreciate and reminds me how fortunate I am in my life. I've always loved going back because of everything that it has to offer, but the most I can ever really stay is 6 weeks to 3 months after that I just want to come back weird huh. I've always used it as a charge up for my body to just be home for a bit.

Now having children I would love to show them where I stayed up until I was 5 years old and just show them where I was born also just for them to know part of their roots, obviously when they understand a bit more what I'm talking about. Also how i raise my children them being half Colombian and Jamaican, is probably different to how other children from other countries are raised. I was raised very family orientated, a very close nit family which i cherish so much and having children i cherish it more now because i want my children to grow up being close to their family members being able to share amazing memories like i have with my family. everyone is very sharing very loving to each other and we get together is to have fun and to enjoy each others company. As a woman i grew up holding certain values, for example, i have my own home therefore people are welcome if there's food for one there is food for everyone else, I've never been shown greed or people complaining that some one else got made feel less or uncomfortable, even if you don't like someone who,s at  gathering you just have to lean to co exist without it making anyone uncomfortable. I take pride in family and even now that i live on my own with my children i still make all the effort to spend with my family as much as possible especially making sure i'm at every gathering or party.

As years have gone by things have changed, before I would want to go Colombia charge up and just tan, now it's different of course i still want to tan in the process but I want to go to just revisit and embrace properly what Colombia has to offer. Yes I've been around, like go to places and visit certain thing but I never really embraced or payed much attention or even appreciated what it had to offer, I just wasn't really interested back then. Colombia has a lot to offer with the culture, for example coffee you think before I would take interest in how they made coffee, how the whole process happened? It's silly you may think, because you can just google it but see in Colombia I don't t think the whole process but the start is good enough. When ever I get the chance to go I will embrace as much as Colombia has to offer and make the most of the time I have there!

I love how over the years and just looking back I've grown mentally how things that didn't interest me then I'm so interested in now how everyday I learn something new and so eager to learn especially about different cultures, not just my own. It's the most interesting thing how so many people around the world just live a completely different lifestyle. I love mostly are countries who are not completely "developed." Countries who still have so much history and still there to be seen it's amazing, in my opinion. The love for history and art has grown so much mostly over the last couple of months, that it makes me excited to eventually plan trips.

Like I mentioned before has always made me appreciated how much i do have. So don't take anything for granted, help others, don't stress about all the clothes you don't have and appreciate that you don't have to worry if you'll have food on your plate in the morning, night and that you have a roof over your head, count your blessing. Also expand your mind learn each day and embrace your beautiful roots.

Take care
Margie-Alexandra